Like any scientific study, we need to start with the basics, the thesis, what means what.
Let’s explain the rectum spectrum using a visual tool, an 88 key piano keyboard.
Each fart can be assigned a key on the keyboard, to denote its pitch, and timbre.
Then, we separate the spectrum of the rectum into two major sound types:
1) On Cue – short, potent, sharp notes, that you can sync to a movie scene, you can time it “on cue”.
2) Stoic – longer, pungent, earthy and nutty notes, that prolong the stink to unbearable levels, used to adorn “stoic” moments in movies that need that extra something.
Thus, each note on the rectum spectrum can be either On Cue or Stoic, never both, never!
Lastly, we assign the relative humidity, to classify correctly:
Dry = 0-25%
Off Dry = 26-50%
Semi-Wet = 51-75%
Wet = 76-100%
On Cue Ensemble
Name: The Money Sound
Note: Middle C – C4
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Off Dry (38%)
Origin: This recording is of a Peruvian mother of five deep in the lowland jungle of the Omagua region. The plantains combined with a glass of goat milk weren’t sitting well that day helped in the creation this beautiful sound.
This is the money sound, really.
Name: The Sound of Silence
Note: C5
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Wet (96%)
Origin: Recorded in a monastery of monks who took a vow of silence. During an interview for the BBC in 1964, a sound engineer left the mic open, a minute too long. After this vow of silence was broken, the monk could only utter three words: Oh My God!
So help me god…
Name: Big Toot
Note: C7
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Dry (16%)
Origin: Once in a blue cheese moon, a sound like this is captured. Deep in the Canadian Rockies, on a night excursion looking for the abominable snow man, or the Yeti, a branch broke. Then wind broke. The sound recorders were rolling, and the rest is history.
Its out there.
Name: Thor
Note: C2
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Semi-Wet (64%)
Origin: Stunt doubles are known to do dangerous things. On the set of a super-hero movie, a group of stunt doubles boarded a plane to shoot scene while skydiving. Its just that one of them had a fear of heights… As the stunt double was pushed out, he released his pressure.
Let it out.
Name: Ninja
Note: C8
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Dry (1%)
Origin: The Ninja – silent and deadly, need to be a dog or a dolphin to hear it.
Shhh…
Name: Stainer
Note: C2
Type: On Cue
Humidity: Wet (92%)
Origin: In northern Alaska a hunter spotted a brown bear heading towards the stream for a salmon. As he raised his rifle the hunter unknowingly stepped on a branch causing the bear to look over and start charging at him. The hunter quickly pulled the trigger to only realize that he forgot to put bullets in the rifle. This fart was recorded on his iPhone right before the bear attacked.
Stoic Ensemble
Name: The Reliever
Note: Middle C – C4
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Wet (81%)
Origin: This recording is of an Uzbek farmer who had too much camel milk mixed with garbanzo beans. Two microphones were destroyed in the recording of this sound, and the one that survived was trashed afterwards.
#MicrophonesLivesMatter
Name: The Long Winded Road
Note: C5
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Wet (78%)
Origin: Don’t keep it in, just don’t. At a hospital in Indonesia, an old fart, we mean, an old man was rushed to the ICU. He complained of pain in his abdomen, and confessed to have constipation for weeks. He did not want to sound like a fool to his girlfriend. So he kept his toots, inside.
Let ‘er rip
Name: God Save the Queen
Note: C3
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Semi-Wet (59%)
Origin: This recording was taken at the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II by the priest performing the ceremony. Bread pudding and whisky do not mix and a lesson was learned.
Hip Hip…
Name: Hindenburg
Note: C2
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Wet (77%)
Origin: In the Solomon Islands, there is a tradition that goes back thousands of years. Its a way for a bride to show her groom and his family that she is a real woman. Three days before the wedding night, she gorges on coconut milk, crab meat, cassava roots and fermented fish guts. The crescendo comes when she bends over, and the groom positions a torch near her spouting orifice of doom. The ball of fire is spectacular, and ushers in their holy matrimony
Holly shit.
Name: Titanic
Note: C1
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Semi-Wet (67%)
Origin: This is “the one”, the sound that makes kids frightened. To protect the innocent, the identity of the individual who produced such a national treasure will be kept under wraps. It all began with a commercial for cooked beans. However, the actor kept forgetting his lines… a few hours later, on take 78… something special happened.
In beans we trust.
Name: Rhapsody in Brown
Note: C2
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Off Dry (37%)
Origin: During rehearsals of “An American in Paris” on December 13 1928 in Carnegie Hall, George Gershwin was left without any pianos as they were being tuned. The nerves of opening night were settling in and Gershwin still had to test the acoustics and reverb of the hall the only way he knew how. Fortunately, a reporter from the New York Times by the name of Barry Fartstein was there with his microphone to capture what would have otherwise been lost in history.
Name: One Small Step, One Giant Fart
Note: C3
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Wet (81%)
Thanks to the Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) NASA released new documents from the moon landing – and a treasure was unearthed. With all the prep to send a man to the moon and back, no one prepared for what would a zero-gravity fart be like. Well, now we know, and generations of future fartologists will bask in the glory of this one.
With no difference in air pressure in space, astronauts kept bloating and bloating. Finally, a NASA doctor urged them to blow wind, and loosen up. First to go was the mission commander, and his comms were transmitting at the right moment…this is what was sent over the airways.
Houston, we have a problem.
Name: Woof Woof, Toot Toot
Note: C5
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Semi-Wet (51%)
One brand of baked beans, has a dog for spokesperson… While filming these commercials, dog trainers do their best to feed the dog ONLY dog food. But, alas, at times accidents do happen, and the dog does get to some of the magical fruit.
Release the sounds.
Name: Stars and Strikes
Note: C4
Type: Stoic
Humidity: Dry (19%)
The Fourth of July brings people together, and no where better than at a hot dog eating contest. Lucky for us, during mic tests, some of the contestants felt the need to empty their bowls. Being a competitive eater is not easy, especially when hot dogs make you gassy in your assy.
Dot Diggity.